Waiting for baby...

I have at least 3 friends who are currently been struggling with having a baby and all that stuff that I went through. It makes me so sad because it wasn't very long ago that I was on the other side of the situation and would cry or leave the room when everyone would start talking about being pregnant or during a lesson in church when they would talk about children and families and mothers. And even though I can totally relate and have actually been there myself, I still don't feel like I know exactly what to say. For me, anyways, I didn't want to hear "I'm so sorry. That must be so hard." but I also didn't want to hear, "God has a plan. It'll happen, don't worry." But then I also didn't want to even talk about it at all with people I don't really know very well (or don't even like).

So I usually end up saying nothing. What I did really appreciate, though, was my close friends just saying something small like, "hows it going" (when we both know what they're referring to) to show that they were thinking about me. But then that raises the question of, "I am close enough to this person to address it?" I know I'm over thinking it, but it's a big deal to me because it was a hard time in my life and I want to approach it correctly.

Like I've said, the biggest thing my dad would remind me of was to not put my life on hold waiting for a baby. So I did some things to pass the time - some were good, some were bad, some were just time fillers. 

I had a ton of dark hair when I was a baby, but then as I grew up in Miami, it became pretty light. And then it stopped doing it on its own, so I started highlighting it and have kept it light ever since. Being sad and frustrated and ready for a project or a change, I decided to go dark.... (Sounds symbolic but it wasn't black and gothic and depressing) 

During the Fall of 2012, I dyed my hair ombre, so my roots were their naturally darker color  and then it gradually faded into my lighter ends. Didn't love it, but whatevs. At least I made the stylist's instagram portfolio:

Theres another picture of it with my sisters Abbie and Alexis... and I think the dark hair made my skin look paler...

Then in May 2013, I chopped off my long, beautiful hair for only the 2nd time in my life... And I hated it, just like my mom said I would. But I didn't listen to her because I just wanted to do SOMETHING!
So its been almost a year now and is growing slowly, but I wish I hadn't done it.
Here are some pictures... short, dark hair... never again

Me and my sister in law Erin on top of Squaw Peak in Provo, UT

The meadow on the way down from Squaw Peak... always reminds me of Twilight

Me with Grandpa Widtsoe in his building at BYU

Me and my sister Abbie at Temple Square in Salt Lake City, UT

The last big change came in October of 2013 when we got a dog. We never vocalized that as one of the reasons, but I think we both knew it was a pretty big one. We picked out Jake in October and then found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks after we brought him home. But as I've said before, he's my little boy and I have always and will now always see him as such. Honestly. Blaine sometimes gets annoyed at how much I "baby" him or am "so consumed with concern" for him. I wonder if I would have been any different if we had got Jake after I'd had a baby. I'm the oldest of 6 kids and have just always been kind of motherly (in a loving way, not a homely way). I had never had a dog before and wasn't thrilled by the idea of them being smelly and slobbery and sheddy. But either way, maybe because of everything I just mentioned, I love Jakey so much. But when we first got him, we said that if we had found out I was pregnant sooner, we probably wouldn't have got him.

In addition, Blaine also finally bought me a fancy camera for my birthday during the winter of 2013 to play with so I can start doing more with photography since that is something I'd really like to get into.

We also were able to go on lots of little trips together, which we couldn't have done with a baby.

I also made some awesome friends working at Wilson Diamonds and got a unique experience working in that field for a year.

And teaching and coaching at McLoud this year has also been a special opportunity that I've really enjoyed- full of so many different unique experiences.

But I'm less than 3 months away from holding my sweet baby boy whom I've been waiting for for years. We already have a song :) I would cry and cry whenever I would hear or sing or play the song "A Thousand Years." Its by Christina Perri, but I like the Glee version and the Piano Guys versions better. Look it up. You'll cry. (Maybe not, but I always do) The chorus says:

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I want to do some sort of craft with that and hang it on his wall.

And finally, here are 2 quotes that summarize my feelings on motherhood
(just wait till Mothers Day for more :))
I've shared these with a couple of other coaches at my school when they ask why I'm quitting my job. And they always respect my answer, they say they'd just worry about money.

"The homemaker has the ultimate career.
All other careers exist for one purpose only... to support the ultimate career."
- C.S. Lewis

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling.
It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in.
It is what God gave you time for."
- Neil L. Anderson